Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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