You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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