I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i used baking grease as lip gloss
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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