Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
