Im at strip club and am horny
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
