you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
All the doctor said was why
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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