Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
