the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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