kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
