I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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