Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
