Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
my shit smells like andre
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
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