got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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