My sheets look like a crime scene.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
