I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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