I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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