I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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