Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
