What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Plan B is the new Plan A
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
nutella sex= disaster
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
