He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
