if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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