My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
We have started to decorate penises.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
BRING THE BAGELS
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
