Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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