I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
