Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
