There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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