So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
