is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
How naked do you want me to be?
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