At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Randomize
