dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
