Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
