You can't special order awesome
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
