he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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