so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
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