bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Is Oprah even human
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
