they need to just BURY HIM!
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
