fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
