Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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