sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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