The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
