someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Randomize
