mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
