my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
