Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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