By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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