oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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