Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
