my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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