We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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