So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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