I just made out with a guy for $7.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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